During a recent business trip, I began to contemplate how airline executives might redesign things if they ran our hospitals:

• The more emergent your needs, the more you will be charged.

• You must show up in the ED at least 2 hours before you can expect to be seen.

• You must prepay for your service in entirety and you may be ineligible for any refunds or may be required to pay penalties if your needs change.

• Although there is a two tiered payment system, your safety cannot be assured with either.

• Two patients receiving the exact same service must pay vastly different amounts.

• Air quality in the rooms will be maintained in a non-discriminatory manner.
Everyone will be required to breathe in the same air expelled by the others regardless of their race, sex, religion and physical condition.

• Similarly, everyone will share the same toilets.

• Ambient temperatures will be maintained at a constant 84 degrees in warmer climates so as to conserve energy.

• Before admission, all patients 85 years of age and older must be wanded with a metal detector, strip searched and then required to ambulate at least 50 feet independently
(regardless of their ability to walk) so as to protect other hospital patients.

• If the weather is bad or there are not enough wealthy patients to cost justify providing that service, we reserve the right to cancel that service with no advance notice and with no legal recourse to the patients.

• All uniformed hospital personnel will be required to be intimidating and rude.

• Repeat patients will be entitled to the same treatment as all others.

• The hospital will be under no obligation whatsoever to offer patients and their visitors any food nor drink during their visit.
However, if requested, we reserve the right to offer burnt coffee and inedible foods at fixed, unreasonable prices.

• Hospital will have the right to limit what personal possessions each patient may bring with them, can rummage through these, misplace and or steal items from patients.
In such cases, the hospital shall conduct its own internal investigations and subsequently rule in favor of the hospital personnel in all cases.

• If the hospital is in financial jeopardy because of mismanagement and/or poor service, the government reserves the right to intervene and provide supplemental financial assistance for operations - which subsequently, shall be reallocated and distributed to the senior executives as retention bonuses.

• All schedules are non-binding and there are no set guarantees as to if and when you will return from this provider.

• No talking on cell phones throughout your visit (except during overhead announcements).

• All public overhead announcements of any importance must be entirely unintelligible.

• All patients will be subjected to needless delays and to have their personal possessions withheld upon discharge.

• Patients experiencing difficulties will be required to come back to the same providers multiple times.

• Patients experiencing serious difficulties will receive an unexpected trip to heaven.

• All rules set forth are subject to change without notice.

Written by: Kenneth R. Cohen, Ph.D., President, The Synergy Organization, Bensalem, PA